Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize