I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
