I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
