Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
