shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
