I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if only i could text you this smell
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
