Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
