I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
