You just made me feel so damn special
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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