Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
