I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
