I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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