May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
