Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
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you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
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He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.