Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
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Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
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Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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