i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
