I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
