Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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