You smell like a Billy Joel song
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
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My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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