I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
