It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
