Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT