She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.