This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
