I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
