if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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