I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
