I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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