Got a toothbrush?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
