i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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