oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
