can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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