This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
