we made out on top of his cat.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
