I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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