This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
