God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
