Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
