you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
