i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
