Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
