i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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