she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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