Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
