My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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