I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
