well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
