P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
