my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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