After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
