God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
