he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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