Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
