I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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