The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
